Fisking Amy Schumer

Unfunny comedienne Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer busts a gun control move. Image source: Newsday.

I don’t know much about Amy Schumer other than that she’s a comedienne and the cousin of Ming the Merciless, oh, ah, I mean Senator Chuck Schumer, perhaps the most despicable person serving in Congress these days.

The funny thing is her vulgar, coarse approach to comedy is equally repellant as his slimy, dishonest approach to politics. Apples from the same tree.

Schumer, the comedian as opposed to the maniacal statist, recently did a Netflix special which was so badly received it forced the streaming service to change it’s reviewing system lest she drown in a sea of stars. One star reviews, that is. 

In it, Schumer apparently goes into great detail about her sexual exploits before turning her attention to the gun violence issue.

Yep, I watched it. Okay, I’m lying. I didn’t watch it. I only watched the five minutes concerning guns, an experience on par with having a dinner date  with Cthulhu. But sometimes in order to fight for our Second Amendment rights, we have to do something really, really distasteful.

She begins by describing what happened when two young women were murdered at a screening of her movie, Trainwreck. With the reason for her desire to inject herself into the gun debate established (and isn’t it strange that she only seem interested in the people killed at a screening of her movie, and not so much the other thousands of innocents being killed in leftist enclaves like New Orleans and Oakland every year) she gets down to business. Amy’s quotes in italics:

I found out that the guy who had shot them was severely mentally ill and a domestic abuser and I was like okay, well how could he get a gun?

He got a gun by walking into a store, in this case a pawn shop, filling out form 4473, and having an instant background check run on him, which he passed. At that point the gun was transferred to him. Not really much to wonder about.

I found out that if you’re severely mentally ill or convicted of domestic violence, there are loopholes where it’s not that hard to get a firearm.

Ah, the loophole. In this case, the loophole was the one where the shooter went through the exact same background check process that any other FFL gun purchase would go though and passed. In other words, like actually funny material in her routine, there was no loophole. None. Zero.

Schumer makes it seem that there’s some special way that a potential gun purchaser, who would be denied if he tried it the usual way, can get a gun.

And, yes, there is. The black market, but the shooter didn’t need the black market because, like just about ever mass shooter before him, he passed a background check. Because as anyone who bothers to take even the most cursory look at the issue knows, background checks don’t stop mass murderers. If I was Schumer, I’d fire the intern who did that particular bit of research for her. Unless he’s really great at making Mojitos. Then you hold tight.

Schumer doesn’t go into any details of what policies she’s pushing for to close this nonexistent “loophole” (which is typical of the antigun movement, as they’re more interested in selling feelings than results) but we must assume it’s some iteration of the universal background check favored by her cousin.

Now I may not be smart enough to make a living by cursing on stage in front of people, but I am smart enough to know that a universal background check bill would have made no difference in the Trainwreck shooting because, wait for it… the shooter passed a background check.

I believe in the right to bear arms, Second Amendment, yes. I’m friends with gun owners.

You won’t be after they see this special. And if you really understood the 2nd Amendment at all you’d stop pushing gun control and go take a combat handgun course.

But what I learned was no matter what you say, as soon as you say the word “gun” what gun nuts hear is “you want to take all our guns.”

I’m assuming she meant “gun control” not “gun,” but it has to be hard to remember your lines when you’re bathed in flop sweat. Also that tight leather outfit might have been cutting off circulation to her brain.

Look, Amy dear, let’s pull of the mask. We know what you want. We know what Bloomberg wants, we know what Obama wanted, we know what Feinstein wants and we know what Clinton, possibly the only Presidential candidate to ever dress as badly as you on stage, wants. They want draconian gun control that bans and confiscates an entire class of firearms.

How do I know? Is it my gun-nut psychic powers? No, I know it, because they’ve said it. Ever hear of a country called Australia? How about Great Britain? Both of those nations banned and confiscated themselves a whole pile of guns (and oddly enough saw no change or a worsening of murder rates as well as huge increases in other types of crime) back in the 1990s.

What did we constantly hear, over and over, ad nauseam from Obama and Clinton every time there was a mass shooting? Something along the lines of “you know, Australia had a mass shooting, then they passed some laws, and presto! It never happened again. We need to do the same thing here.”

Google it. You’ll find a billion examples. And every time Obama or Clinton or whatever other idiot leftist stooge of the moment praised Australian gun control they were praising bans and confiscations. In other words: they want to take our guns.

The government wants my house.” You don’t live in a house, sir. You live in a trailer with no windows.

I know, I know. It’s one of the weakest arguments the gun control side has, the old ad hominem. And given Schumer’s proclivity for sex jokes, Im surprised she didn’t…  hold on a second, my dogs is chewing on them old tires out front a my trailer, gotta grab my stick and beat some sense into ’em, just hope I don’t trip over them rusting snowmobile engines like last time…

If you’re on the terrorist watch list, like not just the no fly list, but the straight up terrorist watch list, you can easily get a gun. 

Oh, Amy, you probably dislike facts as much as you dislike class and poise. (I have a feeling that if you showed Schumer a picture of Audrey Hepburn she’d scream like a vampire confronted with a garlic-crusted crucifix, but I digress.)

The terrorist watch list is the bigger, more general, easier to get on list, and the no-fly list is the smaller, more specific list for the real trouble makers. You know, like Ted Kennedy, who’s name somehow migrated to the “no-fly” list from the “not allowed to drive over bridges” list.

So Amy can’t even get that simple, basic fact right. In fact, she’s got it backwards. Why? Because “terror watch list” sounds so much more threatening than “no-fly list” and she’s selling emotion, not logic. 

But at least we know that she’s all for taking away constitutionally recognized rights by unaccountable government bureaucracies, a move opposed by even the ACLU. And as we discovered in Nice, France, terrorists don’t need guns, all they need is a truck and a crowd.

If you’re bliiiiiind. If you’re blind as a ******* bat, you can walk into a gun store, hopefully… you walk in and go “I want a gun.”

In addition to viciously mocking them, apparently Schumer feels that blind people aren’t entitled to the same rights as the rest of us. This,no doubt, due to the horrendous mayhem blind people with guns inflict upon society. Until I saw Amy’s special I had no idea that all the gun violence in Chicago was the result of blind people with guns accidentally shooting up mini-marts.

Maybe Amy doesn’t understand that many “legally blind” people actually can see to some degree, more than enough to use a firearm to defend themselves in a criminal attack. Even a totally blind person with an attacker on top of them beating their face in would be able to use a firearm for defense. It’s called a contact shot and, sorry, Amy, it’s not made with tequila.

But according to Amy Schumer, blind people shouldn’t be able to buy guns, as if that’s an actual problem. She only brings it up to highlight how “foolish” America’s gun laws are. (And on this we agree, I think they’re foolish too, as well as ineffective and unconstitutional and should be repealed en masse.) It’s another straw man in her closet, right next to the… okay, not going there.

Schumer sums up her insightful, engaging arguments thusly:

So can we work on not giving guns to mentally ill terrorists who are blind and beat their wives?

Sure. As soon as we solve a more pressing problem which is not giving disgusting, unfunny comedians national prominence on an issue they clearly know nothing about.

*   *   *   *

Like what you read here? Then consider supporting the author. No, not a donation, just consider buying my novel and making a mutually beneficial economic transaction.
The book’s called Waypoint, published by fellow patriots at Roots Digital Media. It’s a nifty little thriller which NYT bestselling writer Patrick Robinson, (co-author of Lone Survivor,) calls “Absolutely gripping. Waypoint is tense, twisting and fast-paced. Doesn’t let up until the final page is turned.”

You can find it on Amazon.


About the Author

Matthew Howe
Matthew Howe
College liberal turned conservative once he started paying taxes, Matthew has been active in the gun-rights and conservative movement for years. The author of the thriller Waypoint, (available on Amazon) he's proud to live in the one county in downstate New York which went for Trump by 17 points.

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